Bus

She got into the bus. I knew she would. In fact, I had taken this specific bus on this route just so that I could see her.

She looked beautiful. I was seeing her after a long time, she still looked the same.

My friend had seen her when he had taken a bus on this route a while back. A bit of online stalking and I had figured out which college she was studying in. Since then, I have been trying different timings along the same route. Finally got the right one today - 9:35 AM.

She was sitting 6 rows ahead of me, in the ladies’ section of the bus. She was alone, quietly sitting with earphones on. The bus was already very crowded, I was surprised that she got a seat.

I thought of going ahead and trying to get a seat near her or just stand closer to her. I wasn't even sure if she will remember me. She must have seen me like a few times prior to that day.

However, eventually fear was victorious, and I stayed glued to my seat till it was time for her to get off. Maybe some other day.

***

Almost 3 months since that day, I still haven't spoken to her. I must have taken this bus like every second day, just hoping for a chance. The one time I tried to initiate some conversation was when I offered her my seat, but she refused.

Just observing one person in the bus regularly can really tell you a lot about the person. I have seen her when she was stressed, desperately going through her textbooks for some last-minute preparation. I have seen how she interacts with the other passengers.

I have seen her good days. And her bad days. A few occasions, I even saw her with a guy. Luckily it was just a few occasions, I still haven't figured out who it was though.

I even got off at her college a few times and had a few cups of tea at the popular hangout spot nearby hoping to talk to her. But no luck.

***

Almost a year now, still haven't spoken to her. I wasn't in town for a few months, had to go to Delhi for work. But of course, that's not an excuse. I really need to try and talk to her. I am just not sure what to say. How will she react.

This fear is what keeps me from approaching her.

Every day I wake up, take the bus, and think about how I can start a conversation. I play it over in my head multiple times, but it never plays out.

***

Bad news, she is getting married in December. That is a little over a month away. It really is now or never. Her frequency of going to college has reduced quite a bit, just a couple of times in the week now.

I even went to her college once, hoping to see her. As usual, no luck. 

I don't think I will ever be able to talk to her. Tell her what I feel. Still have a month, let’s see what happens.

***

It is the day of her marriage. And no, I still haven't spoken to her in case you are wondering. However today, I got off at her stop. I walked to her house; I had always known where it was all these years.

Her house had a large gate, one could see the garden in front of the house. Today this garden was all decked up. I could see the marriage decorations. I could see a lot of relatives and a lot of excitement. I stood across the road, trying catch a glimpse of her.

I finally saw her; she was wearing a nice red saree. Makeup was minimal but perfect.

That was when I saw her mother.

She looked just as beautiful. Her mother looked exactly like how she looked 25 years ago.

On our wedding day.

I never should have walked out on her when she gave birth to a girl. I regret it to this day. She raised her all alone and they look happy now. I did go back a few years later but she didn't even look at me. That was when I saw my daughter for the first time, but I didn't get a chance to talk to her either.

All I wanted was to talk to her and apologize. There is no excuse for what I did, but I am ready to do anything and everything to make it up to her now.

I have had a year worth of opportunities to talk to my daughter, but I still couldn't. I am too ashamed of myself.

I have probably 20 years ahead, I am sure I still won't be able to talk to her.

***

End